Jarrett Neal, Writers' Retreat Fellow

Jarrett Neal, Writers' Retreat Fellow



[Applause] December 30th it had become a nightly ritual forgotten at 10 o'clock you strip naked sprawled on his bed put his laptop beside him logged on to his favorite website and masturbated he admired smoothly in vascular bodies and cooled pouty lips but he wasn't a stickler about ABS tattoos body fat or penis size the physical characteristics many other game it valued so highly he enjoyed watching real men not models or porn stars enjoy their bodies and the bodies of others male or female the display of carnality without the distinction without the distraction of elaborate sets choreographed sex and worst of all bad one plots no no one killed lust quite like individuals who try to make sex Kowalski sanitized and ideal desire was desire and you couldn't understand why any one of the placed time instructor rules for pleasure he had had sex with another person sits an encounter he had almost immediately at McKee and Matthew split up his name was Ed a caramel skin black man with big heart pectorals and by such like footballs Gavin met one product night of sidetrack it was in town for international mr. leather Peep often beers and they engaged in the usual hundred people having bars before Gavin invited him home they spent a half hour decking on the couch and 30 minutes having sex that was neither passionate nor pleasurable it felt like something Gavin was obligated to do after they pay for his drinks all night and listening to him talk about renovating his new home in Rittenhouse Square when the sex was over and got dressed gave Gavin input technology and said check you later and left Gavin blamed himself he just wasn't ready to be sexual with other people and he was never one for record tap recreational sex masturbation emotional entanglements it's open to Gavin long to find a video clip that aroused him and once he did he completed the act quickly it's work out the movies we left him drowsy and innovative and within moments he would fall into a restful sleep on his laptop to muscular men one smooth and tan the other tattooed from head to foot they side-by-side kissed him to furiously while they masturbated Gavin imagines himself between them sharing their kisses stroking them and bench drove violent surgery came to him without haste he was about to come when he stopped abruptly rose and sat upright on the edge of his bed he looked down as testicles and inspected them was slow and took his hands hoping to disapprove of what he already knew but the more his fingers traced it the less he it could be denied a painting slump besides of the line of being on his left testicle Gavin tied his jaw and grimy his teeth he shut his eyes tight and exhaled a long breath when he opened his eyes he glanced down at the porn stars on his laptop they came almost at the same time each man robbing the others seemed into stomach bother January 3rd dr. Shahs hands were Ison no matter what time of year daddy visited dressed in nothing but the Washita turquoise roll the nurse told him to put on Gavin stood dr. Shaw wishing dr. monkey not a few nights ago posed no threat it's definitely a solid mass I'm going to make it over tomorrow it's well it's just a test that allows us to see what's going on what type of mass this is phenomenal in those words Gavin didn't want to hear up until that moment the worst thing any doctor ever said to him was I know those chicken pox which buddy but try not specially benign especially a guy under 40 especially one convention press 250 pounds didn't smoke and sell the vein readily benign and malignant all your choices no one with stupid loan debt and 22 years of mortgage mortgage payments ahead of him needed to hear Gavin was slightly on the search of dr. Shahs eyes for comforting empathy any indication that he was not about to go through months of sickness surgery and pain all ending in death do I have cancer I was my testicle if you have cancer there's a good chance you might but it may not cancer people get all kinds of nonsense at all and sometimes they were always mysteriously as they came the human body holds lots of mysteries Gavin comes better let's get the we thought to be an ultrasound and blow work and we'll go from there I need you to stay positive he placed a hand on Gavin shoulder [Applause]

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