Waitress – Full Movie

Waitress – Full Movie


I will swallow it. I’ll swallow it! I’ll swallow my pride, Franklin. DIRECTOR: [clears throat]
Thank you, Ms. Morgan. Uh, but there’s
more to the scene. We’ll call ya. Wasn’t I sincere enough? Wallow.
Wallow. We’re not looking
for sincere, honey. We’re looking for sexy. But Eleanor Roosevelt
wasn’t sexy– handsome, maybe, perhaps a little kinky. DIRECTOR: We’ll call
ya. [inaudible]. Look. Let me do it again. How the hell was I supposed
to know you wanted sexy? Thank you. Hey, I can be very sexy. Ms. Morgan, we’ll call you. [inaudible]. So you want sexy, huh? Is this sexy enough for ya? Pastrami sandwiches. Ooh, Franklin, I
will swallow it. I’ll be a real woman. Woo! Ooh! MAN: Look at that! Well, there is the part of,
uh, Heber– Her– uh, Herbert– Herbert Hoover’s French maid. If you’d like to step
up into my office, uh, to discuss the
contract, of course. Thanks. I’ll call you. Swallow my ass. MAN: Hey, [inaudible]. Ahh! She really had
tits [inaudible]. Hey. You know, what I wanted
wasn’t on that menu. [laughter] If it’s not on the menu,
then we don’t have it. Somebody hungry. [laughter] No! Hya! Ya. (SINGING) Put on
my best dress, baby. I put on the
perfume you’ll like. We’re gonna forget
about this day of work, cause we’re going
out dancing tonight. I don’t have all of the
answers, but I know what’s wrong and what’s right. And when I get happy– Bill, table number
11’s pissed off. Put some more vodka
in the Martini. (SINGING) Got to
start dancing tonight. Waitress! There’s a splinter
in my cottage cheese. Well, at these prices, what did
you expect, the whole cottage? MAN (ON SPEAKER):
Listen, [inaudible]. We have a [inaudible]
salad on table number 11. Uh, the salad is go
for dressing insertion. [spitting] Looks delicious. Mmm. Oh. Get two [inaudible]. Will you just look
at these hands? I don’t know why you insist on
using such a strong detergent. That’s because our brand
makes your whites whiter. Now get back to work. Excuse me, miss. Are you free? No, but I’m not very
expensive, either. (SINGING) I’ve got to be good. I’m only making ends meet. Oh, lord, [inaudible]. When I hear music, I
know that I am saved. Oh, my. MAN (ON SPEAKER):
[inaudible] table number 11. [inaudible] control. Oh. (SINGING): Well, now,
now, now, now, now, baby. Hey. How was the audition? Great, but my boobs
had all the lines. Ooh. It must have been
a helluva delivery. Thanks. Mmm. Hey, I’m working, remember? You wanna come over to my
house and play after work? Sorry. No time. Why? I’ve got more
auditions tonight. You know, if you got paid for
auditioning, you’d be rich. MAN (ON SPEAKER): Reminder,
only non-dressed materials are included in any salad format. [whistling] Mature Teen Magazine. May I help you? Uh, excuse me. Uh, I’m Jennifer Martin. I won second prize in
the short story contest that Mature Teen
Magazine sponsored. Oh, Ms. Martin. Go right in. Ms. Cully’s expecting you. OK. Thank you. Uh, [inaudible]? Thanks. –[inaudible] clouds
and the sunset looked like instant
mashed potatoes and Momma’s electric blender. I only wrote what I saw
back home in Indiana. We can’t use it. Not use my story? I said I liked your style,
not your subject matter. Nobody’s going to slap down
$2 for a story about Indiana. Oh, shit. My masseuse didn’t
come again today. Jeff, come over
here while we talk. Help me get these kinks out. But I don’t know– Oh. Oh, come on. People want to know what’s
going down in New York and LA. Last month we ran
a feature on where to find single men in New York. Our magazine sales soared. I want you to do the follow-up–
actually go on a man hunt, and use this article as a guide. You want me to go
and pick up men? Not just pick them up. You’re going to write an
article about catching a man in the big city. But I’m no good around people. That’s why I started writing. I mean, I get so nervous, even
my shadow uses a deodorant. Ah! That’s the whole point. If you can find a good man
using this guide, anyone can. I’ve even got a cover
for you– a disguise. You’re going to be
working the type of job that the average small town
girl would take in New York, as a waitress. Working in a restaurant? That means meeting
new people every day– oh, and touching all that
food, the roast beef, and– Martin, this is the
chance of a lifetime. Your wardrobe. Good luck, Martin. This city is full of
men waiting for you. But what will I say to them? What every girl
has said to ever man since the beginning of time. Oh, I have a headache. Headache? Young lady, did I
hear you say headache? Here. Hold on just a second, here. Here. Take two of these,
don’t work too hard, and, uh– [laugh] call
me in the morning. Thanks. I guess it’s first-day
jitters or something. You’re gonna have to pay for
the, uh– uh, [inaudible]. I’m so sorry. Ahh! [commotion] That’ll teach you to
break a date with me, [inaudible] Simpson! Put an insect bomb in the
house mother’s feminine hygiene spray, filling Dean Carlisle’s
[inaudible] with sand, plotting to blow
up our sewage plant by organizing an everyone
flush your toilet at the same time day. And now, this–
fire-hosing a boy’s dorm. Mr. Cavendish, we must ask you
to take your daughter home. So I’m a little sparky. Lindsay, the
[inaudible] was spanky. You are dangerous! Does this mean you
won’t send me to Vassar? I couldn’t get you into
Vassar with a crowbar! MAN (SHOUTING): Hey hot pants! When you coming back? What would your poor mother
say, God rest her soul? [inaudible] this many years. Well, at least I’m consistent. Oh, young lady,
I’ve been thinking about this a long time. And now I’ve finally decided–
I’m putting you to work in one of my restaurants.
-Work? Don’t go any further, Father. Oh, no, Daddy. You wouldn’t. You wouldn’t do what what
you always said to do. Oh, no, no. Please, please, please. You wouldn’t really
make me be a– Waitress. Oh god. [alarm buzzing] [horn honking] WOMAN (VOICEOVER): The Mature
Teen Guide to Picking Up Men. Hint Number One. New York is a sports festival. Don’t dog it, girl. Find your modern man at
the crack of dawn, jogging. Ask him to run with you. It’s so dull doing it all alone. -Hi.
-Hi. -How are you today?
-Oh, fine. Good. How about a jog? It’s so dull doing it all alone. Oh. [laugh] I never
do it before breakfast. On second thought, I’d
love to run with you! Have you been, uh,
jogging for a long time? Oh, yeah, sure. I love a good jog. How about yourself? Oh, a little over a year
now, since just after my wife left me. It’s been a real strain on me. The jogging? No. My divorce. But let’s not talk
about it– my divorce. It– that’s why I started
running in the first place, as a kind of therapy to get
my mind off my wife Janet. You see, I– I couldn’t
stop thinking about her. How about now? Are you over Janet?
-Janet! Don’t you ever mention
the name Janet! I don’t want to ever hear you
say the name Janet to me again. Don’t you ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever say Janet again. Janet. I’ll never forget the first
time I saw her with another man. It was [inaudible]. You have an
audition on Sundays? I don’t believe it. You know, if you’d move
in with me already, we’d have all the
time in the world. Now, you know I can’t
afford to share your rent. Who would share rent? I told you I’d pay
your share of the rent. Look. I want to be free
to live my own life, and not live my life for free. Miss, there’s a fly in my soup. Uh– Will you please move in? Nuh uh. Veggies? No thank you. Why not? Just give me one
good reason why not. I don’t like veggies. I want you as a lover,
and not a landlord. Miss, there’s a fly in my soup. All right. I’ll move in with you. Hey, [inaudible], right? Did I forget anything? As a matter of fact,
there’s a fly in my soup. [gargling noise] Oh, marvelous, marvelous.
Just fabulous, sugar. Just fabulous. WOMAN: Miss Andrea Morgan. Heathcliff, I’ve nev– DIRECTOR: Oh, next. MAN: Miss Hiney La Roux. I am in a very good mood today. I just found out I’m
getting federal funds. My body’s been declared a
disaster area years ago. [inaudible] Lovely, sweetheart.
OK. Too much, sugar. This production
is about living. The first thing we’re
going to do is undress. And we’re going to
take this chicken fat and we’re going to rub
it all over our bodies. [gagging] [coughing] [inaudible]. Sorry. I gotta see your Union card. Beat it. [laugh] [inaudible]. Look. I’ll double up as crew and
help with the sets for free. No, Ms. Morgan. I’ll sell popcorn
at the intermission. No, Ms. Morgan. I’ll guarantee
your losses and back your next three productions! No, Ms. Morgan. I’ll wash your socks at night
and make love to your wife and have her babies! No, Ms. Morgan. Oh. Does this mean I
don’t get the part? [laughter] Hey, lady. Can’t you take a hint? The answer is– -No!
-No. -No.
-No. No, Ms .
Mason. No. No! No. No! All right, all
right, all right. Hey, did you know
what time it is? If you want to get turned
down for as many roles as I did today, you
gotta put in overtime. Oh, honey. Jerry, I need a new
approach to this business. Yeah, so do I. I go
make this the number one restaurant and [inaudible]. My reward is he [inaudible]
his lousy daughter on me this morning. Then they get 60 veal chops
I never ordered, and– I’ve just been going
through the motion. You really care. My next motion is [inaudible]. Well Jerry, help me. Oh, Andrea, please. I’m tired. See? T-I-R-E-D. Oh, come on, honey. You do this every day. What else can you do? Well, for one thing, I’m
through making the rounds. I’m going to go
after one big part. Did you say a big part? Funny you should say big part. I was reading not more than 10
minutes ago right– right here, Andrea, in your show business. We have big parts.
Everybody– Not some crummy walk. I’m so far up Broadway, I’ve
got to get a visa to go to work, but a part worth going after. I’m going to focus on
one part– one part. And I’m going to get that part. What are you talking
about now, huh? Not any other
[inaudible] to a man. Ow! You’re nuts. Oh, sweet Romeo. Oh my god. Those were my favorite hairs. Be some other name. I got those for Christmas. What’s in a name? That which would [inaudible]– Hey. Hey [inaudible]. Would you just stop it? Don’t you think you’re
overreacting a little bit, huh? I mean, how is all
of this craziness going to help
solve your problem? But It’s not my only problem. Great, Andrea. What else did you
wake me up to tell me? Auditioning makes me horny. Now that’s a problem
I can help you with. Come here, you
little [inaudible]. [laugh] Oh. Mmm. Yeah. Mmm. Does thou love me? I know thou [inaudible]. I love when draweth
my mighty sword. [laugh] Ooh. Ahh. If love is [inaudible],
they say love laugh. Oh. I laugh. Oh, gentle Romeo. If thou does love,
pronounce it faithfully. MAN: Oh, I love thou. Uh oh. Andrea. Andy– [whistles] hello there? Huh? I may have forgotten
my royal shield. Ugh. Or if thou thinks thy
I am too quickly won, I’ll frown and be perverse and
say thee may, and thus my love for Romeo be shalt.
[laugh] I long to take thy wanger in my mouth. What the hell kind
of Shakespeare is– [sucking noise] Oh, god. I love Shakespeare. MAN (ON RADIO): It
is now [inaudible]. All employees will
synchronize watches. Excuse me, Jennifer? Do you have the time? My Japanese– thank
you, Jennifer. MAN (ON RADIO): Dessert alert. Dessert alert. Menu control. Menu control. Extend recovery effort to
all parts of the main cabin. [inaudible]. Did I ever show
you Big Mo’s rod? [laugh] Take a look at this. I don’t want
anybody else to see. [laugh] [inaudible]. [laugh] Cute. -[laugh]
-Small- Yeah. But cute. Now, shithead, the salads. No sense of humor, that girl. This. This. Out. Out. All right, Lindsay. Your dad wants you to learn
how to run the kitchen. Let’s go. As he says, the customer
will forgive anything as long as the food is good. Now, I’m going to introduce
you to Pievault, our chef. Pievault? What kind of name is that? I don’t know,
Russian or something. Listen, he’s a
good chef, but he’s dangerous when he gets drunk. So no matter what you do, you
do not, under any circumstances, give him a drink. Who, me? I wouldn’t. –[inaudible], my
little Americanski. [inaudible] to find a
beautiful woman who understands the soul of a Russian artist. And drinks like one, too. Hey. Hi, [inaudible]. Where are my pickles? Table number 11 is screaming. Tell table number 11. They are not rushing great art. I need a chicken,
Pievault, on truck hold. Don’t forget. Don’t forget? What, I am Mr. Memory? Boy. Yes, sir? Bring me a [inaudible]. Jennifer, you have to keep this
freezer absolutely spotless. Oh, sugar. It’s like eating honeydew melons
in the middle of February. Ah! Hey. Hey. The [inaudible] is here! Hey! We’re saved. I told you if we took off our
clothes something would happen. [inaudible] You [inaudible]. No, [inaudible]. You’ll never believe
what happened. Oh! Oh! What is this turtle
doing in my soup? The [inaudible]. Oh! What do you do to a
turtle with three balls? Walk ’em and [inaudible]. Might I trouble you
for a little wine? Oh, no trouble at all, sir. Oh, I’m so fed up. I– this shit is
driving me crazy. I just want to– There are no more chickens. No more chickens? [inaudible] chicken Pievault
with no more chickens, unless, of course, I give
them something better. [inaudible] [scream] [inaudible]. It’s smelling like chicken. Yes, sir. Wine, please. Wine. Well, what kind of
wine would you like? A nice French one. Yes, sir. A French one. [crying] Oh, no. [inaudible]. Go back to work! –[inaudible] some
cowboy [inaudible]. Come on, little buddy. Come up! Yahoo! Now I am going to throw
you my famous sauce tomato. First is adding a
little hot sauce– just a hit of hot sauce. Only a spoonful. I don’t fool around. Then a dash of salt. –[inaudible], I just lost
my tip from table number 11, and I’m taking it
out of your salary. My salary? You’re not touching my
salary, you [inaudible]! Sir, aren’t you having
any wine with your dinner? Oh, no, no, no. Oh, you must. You must have some
wine with your dinner. Nope.
No wine. Oh, I insist, please. The management
will be very upset. Please.
It’s on the house. Really.
-Really? -Yes.
-Yes? Well, in that case, I’ll
have some French– no. No, no. I’m not falling for that again. No. I’ll have a nice domestic wine. Yes, sir. Coming right up. Oh. Vodka. Vodka! [inaudible]. Of course. [inaudible]. No, no, no, no. Vodka’s for us, my
little [inaudible]. Where is my glass? Look, you potato-headed
hash slinger. If I don’t get that
[inaudible] nowski, you’re going back to Burger
King, where you belong! Burger King? You call Pievault the
great chef potato head? I give you potato head. I give you potato face. I make you potato box. I make you everything. The boss will hear about this. Don’t worry, Pievault.
My father owns this place. I love [inaudible]. But you? I never liked! Yes, sir. Your domestic wine. Oh. Thank you. Thank you, yes. Oh, (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
you want me to do the dishes? I hate doing dishes.
-Oh, no. No.
Not again. And windows.
I never do windows. You [inaudible],
[inaudible] ready to server. And with your meal, our
chef’s special sauce, tomato [inaudible]. Thank you. Hey, this isn’t swordfish. It’s [inaudible]. [choking] [gagging] (SINGING) Tulip or
turnip, rosebud or rhubarb, filet, or plain beef stew. Tell me, tell me,
tell me a [inaudible]. Oh, what am I to do? [choking] It’s needing something. You’re right, Lisa. It needs just a little
more Tabasco sauce. Lisa, am I boring you? Come on, Lisa. Wake up. [inaudible]. Come on. [inaudible]. [inaudible] earlier. [inaudible] (SINGING) Filet,
or plain beef stew. Tell me, tell me,
tell me, [inaudible]. Oh, what am I to do? [screaming] Home, home on the gas range,
where the deer and the antelope is [inaudible]. And now, I am making
my piece de resistance. What’s that? A really popular dish. Ooh. Bitch flambe! What the hell is– [screaming] Pievault, will you
put that fire out? What– what do you think
she is, Joan of Arc? WOMAN (VOICEOVER): Joan of Arc? That’s it. I could be Joan of Arc. Why, she’s been my
hero ever since I read the classic
comic book about her. But no one can play
her as well as I can. –[inaudible], George Bellman
isn’t some artsy-fartsy producer from SoHo. I mean, this guy’s box office. He– he– he offered the Muppets
$10 million to do a porno film. I’m gonna do it, Jerry. Andrea, you and I both know
you’re a bundle of talent, right? But we– we also
know this business. It’s not what you know,
it’s who you know. Right? And we don’t know nobody. That’s it! What? Andrea, look out. Do you remember the
checkout girl at the A&P? Well, she once told
me that her aunt’s next-door neighbor once did
Bellman’s secretary’s nails! That’s it! I’m in! I’m Joan of Arc! [inaudible]. Boogie, mama! WOMAN (VOICEOVER): Remember,
the mature teen goes for a man with a mind, not just a body. Do some browsing at
the public library. That’s where you’ll find your
cosmopolitan intellectual. Pardon me. Are you interested in chemistry? No. Oh. Well, that is the chemistry
section you’re looking through, isn’t it?
-Look, lady. Does someone
necessarily have to be interested in chemistry
just to borrow a book for their roommate?
Huh? Would you tell me that, please?
Thank you. Oh, no.
Not at all. As a matter of fact,
I hate chemistry. It was my worst
subject in school. Look, lady. Why the– oh. Would you tell me why
you were asking me all these dumb questions, please? Would you just tell me
why you walked over here? Wait a minute. Hol– ho– are you
making a pass at me? Well, uh– You are making a pass at me? Aren’t you? I’m doing this article
for Mature Teen Magazine. –[inaudible], this
is incredible. I mean, I can’t believe it. Nobody has ever walked
over to me and said, hello there, Melvin. I think you’re a
wonderful person, and I would really
like to meet you. I mean, I think that you
are so spendiperous– MAN: Can you be quiet please? —that we could have a
wonderful relationship. -Young man?
-Yes? -You should be more quiet.
-I know. But I’m just very happy. You see, this young lady,
she just made a pass at me. What young lady? What do you mean,
what young lady? This young lady. Oh my god. I lost her. Wait! [inaudible] Oh. I’m sorry. Oh. Oh, [inaudible].
Excuse me. Well, excuse me. Bellman stinks. Bellman stinks. Bellman stinks. Bellman stinks. (SINGING) I said I love
you, but [inaudible]. I want you, baby,
but I [inaudible]. Hello. I’m Andrea Morgan,
and you don’t know me. But I was sent by a friend– Oh, the temporary stenographer. Uh, uh, yes. The temporary stenographer. Well, get your buns in there. You’re late already. Uh, yes, ma’am. Yo. Letter to Albert Goldfarb. You’ll find his address
in our investor list. Dear Albert, I’ve just laid
my hands on Joan of Ark. It is written by Rufus Zogbaum. And, boy, is he terrific. It’s an excellent investment. Look at that size
of that pickle. I bet your pardon? Oh, I was just
looking at my pickle. Where was I? Oh, yes. Joan is the hottest property
I’ve come across in years. You will remember it is about
this little French lass who bellows encouragement
to the [inaudible] to drive out the
English, does battle at the head of the
entire French army, and then is taken by
the Spanish Inquisition, who burn her as a witch. Are you getting all of this? Huh? Oh, um. Yes, sir. Uh, where was I? I’m Miss Simmons, the
temporary stenographer sent over by the agency. Yeah, and I’m Bo Derek. Listen, honey. That’s the oldest
trick in the book. You want an audition? You get your ass over
there and wait your turn. But I am the stenographer. Listen! you get your ass over there,
or I’ll turn that prude face into prune whip. Thank you, Ms. Derek. Bitch. Hey, lady. Who said you could
get ahead of the line? Yeah! [commotion] Ow!
Ah! Eee!
Oooh! Oh! Albert, I hope you will
stick with me on this script. I know it is right
up your alley. Put my best regards your wife. George Bellman. Uh, will you read that
back to me now, Ms. Morgan? Uh, Ms. Morgan? Huh? Oh. Would you read that
back to me now? Oh, uh. Uh, Dear Alfred. Yes. Go on. I have just laid Rufus Zogbaum,
and boy, is he terrific. Wow, the size of his pickle. Joan is a hot little French ass
who blows an English dolphin, gives head to the
entire French army before she is burnt
for being a bitch. I hope you will take this script
and stick it up your wife. Yours truly, George Bellman. That’s a very nice
letter, my dear. And the nice part of it is
you wrote it all by yourself without any help from me. Oh, Mr. Bellman, I’m sorry. But, you see, I’m not
really a stenographer. You’re kidding. It’s about Joan of Arc. What are you, a reporter? A fire marshal? No. I’m an actress. Oh, an actress. Not just an actress, but Joan
herself– come back to triumph in an age that understands me. On Broadway, no doubt. Oh, Mr. Bellman, if
you’d just see me act, you’d see I’m
perfect for the part. I have seen you act. You play a lousy stenographer. I think it is time
for you to leave now. Ms. Sharky. English dog. Does thou think you can
frighten me with hollow threats? [laugh] Joan of Arc is
burning to leave. I am on French soil,
and a single Frenchman on his native ground
is worth a thousand English away from home. Stay away, wench. I’m a brown belt. I’m a black belt. I’m, um, taking the window! Come on, honey. You’re taking the mail chute. Courage, Joan. Though my flesh be banned. Courage to the end. Goodbye, Joan. Enough goodbye. Muah! Au revoir! [scream] [glass shattering] Sorry, but it’s the only
thing those cheap producers of this film would spring for. Ha. Last film I do for them. Look. On the streets of
New York, we’re just an average, everyday couple. Average my ass. And that’s a lot of ass. [inaudible]. I mean, don’t you think you’re
overdoing it a little bit? I look like a razor from
one of those commercials. No. If anything, I feel like
I’ve left something out. Possible. [inaudible]. Do you see what I see?
-No, Andrea. You’d never get away with it. No way. Oh, I’m a wiz with horses. No.
Read my lips. No.
-Please. No. Now, you promised
me you’d help me. Oh, please, no. (SINGING) I love New York. Doo doo doo doo do. Excuse me, officer. I believe this is my
car you’re ticketing. Congratulations. Thanks. But I believe it’s
legally parked. Aw, pal. Check the sign. Uh, begging your officer’s
pardon, I have read that sign. And it says no standing. It don’t say nothing
about no parking. Same thing. Well, if it’s the same thing. How come you [inaudible]? Look, Jack. No standing means you’re not
allowed to park while you’re sitting in your vehicle. Look, Sam. Why didn’t the sign
just say no sitting? Because when you’re
sitting in your vehicle, you’re not sitting. Oh, I’m not, huh? Well, if I’m not sitting
when I’m sitting in my car, what am I doing when I’m
not sitting in my car? You’re parking. I’m not standing
here talking to you? -Nope.
-I’m parking. That’s right. Now, look. I’m driving along here
in my car and I pull up to the curb, what am I doing? Are you sitting in the vehicle? Of course I’m sitting
in the vehicle. Then you’re standing. Why am I standing? Because you’re
sitting in the car. —Sitting in the car.
OK. OK. Let me try this from the
beginning, all right? I’m driving along here in my
car, and I pull up the curb. I start to get out of the
car, and so I’m not sitting and I’m not standing because
I have one foot in the car and one foot on the street. Now what I am I doing? You’re pushing your luck. -What am I doing?
-You’re loading. I’m getting out of my
car, but I’m loading. That’s it.
You’re loading. All right.
I think I got it. Now, you tell me if
it’s the way it goes. When I’m sitting in
my car, I’m standing. And when I’m not
sitting in my car, I’m not standing outside
my car, I’m parked. And when I’m parking,
I’m not sitting or standing or parking, because,
by some miracle, I’m loading. Is that it? That’s it. Say, you’re swell, pal. Listen. You mind if I ask you
one more question? Are you actually planning
on writing that sign post, or are you just afraid
it’s going to get away? Silly. Hey! Come back here! Ah! Bellman, quite frankly, uh,
investing in a Broadway play, for me, is a horse
of a different color. And who are you going
to get as a main star? Oh, I assure you, Alfred, “Joan
of Arc” is a sound investment. And, as a matter of
fact, I am currently negotiating with Laura
Ball to play the lead. Laura Ball, huh? Isn’t she a bit old to
be playing Joan of Arc? [inaudible]. She plays the [inaudible]. But with her name
on the marquee, she guarantees us a profit. Oh, Alfred, let’s invest. It would be so exciting to have
a piece of a Broadway play. We could have a party
in the opening night. We can invite the Winslows,
and Harriet [inaudible]. She’ll be green when I tell her. Well, Bellman, your
investment sounds just too good to pass up. But I don’t know–
uh, theater people. It always seemed– well,
rather unpredictable. You know, eccentric. Oh, Alfred, I assure you. I’m a conservative
businessman, just like you. As a matter of fact,
I have a reputation for being– nothing
more, thank you– for being quite conservative. What the devil is that? Oh, this is goose pate. Why? [inaudible]. It is I, Joan! [inaudible] [inaudible] to crown
the king [inaudible]. [inaudible] Ah. Ahh! [inaudible]. [inaudible] the Charles? I be not. [inaudible] [inaudible] very well who I be. What’s the meaning
of this, Bellman? Do you know this woman? Why, certainly not. Will you get the
hell out of here? -Do I get the audition now?
-No. Alfred, stop talking.
[inaudible] your wife is being assaulted by a horse. And who is this
baffoon [inaudible]? Buffoon? But, why, Joan,
this be no buffoon. This be Masseur Alfred
[inaudible], the [inaudible]. That does it, Bellman. I will not be made a
fool of any longer. [inaudible]. You’ve been a fool
far too long as it is. BELLMAN: Please, Alfred. I assure you [inaudible]. [inaudible], [inaudible]. Tell this [inaudible]. And he can take his
[inaudible] with him. Come, Lydia.
Lydia. Lydia! [screaming] Lydia! Lydia! Do you realize that man
whose wife just assaulted could have backed
my whole production without batting an eyelash? I guess I just
got carried away. Well, he is a bit of a
buffoon now, isnt he? A bit. Did you see his face when
you– [laugh] Now, look here. If you don’t leave me alone,
I’m going to call the police. All right, I’m going. But you haven’t seen the
last of me, George Bellman. I’m going behind
your every step. Every time you turn
around, I’m going to be there, as
Joan, until you see that I’m perfect for the part. [inaudible]. [inaudible]. Where’d you find the horse, mac? Uh, we had lunch together. [awkward laugh] [humming] Hello, Charlie. It is I, the ghost of Joan
of Arc, burned at the stake, come back to haunt
the man whom I crowned in his cathedral [inaudible] and
who did not raise a [inaudible] to my ransom. He, [inaudible]. WOMAN (VOICEOVER):
When evening falls, go after the
strong, silent type. But remember, these
men are very shy. So ask him about himself. Only you can bring
him out of his shell. Um, excuse me, Mr. Felix? How tall did you say you were? Six feet. [gasp] And 11 inches. WOMAN (VOICEOVER): Looking
for a clean-cut guy? Check out your
neighborhood laundromat. If you’re lucky, he may ask
to share your detergent. MAN: Speed.
Camera. Action. What would you say if I
took away your detergent and ripped your blouse in half? Hey, are you
crazy or something? That’s my favorite blouse. I don’t believe this. [inaudible]. Hey, boss. I think she dropped these. I don’t think she,
uh, uses our product. WOMAN (VOICEOVER): If
you’re tired of all the gimmicks and artificial
ingredients, go organic. Forget the discos
and cocktail parties. Head for the beach– that’s
where you’ll find a real man. When all else fails,
the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. The Mature Teen makes sure her
man gets a gourmet luncheon. Here’s your lunch, Bill. Oh, great. Ah– oh, no. Are you all right? Um, uh, shall we
go out to lunch? I’ll have to change. Tell me, uh, what do
you do in real life? I’m a writer. Well, trying to be a writer. Hey, hold the phone. You’re kidding. I’m doing an article now
for Mature Teen Magazine. Great. What about? Well, it’s about picking
up– it’s about men. Picking up men. Bill, how come you never
talk about yourself? Why are you always
so quiet and serious? I’m in training. [gasp] Oh, that’s so gory. Is there lots of blood? NARRATOR: Ooh, blood. Yeah. [inaudible]
lots of blood. And doesn’t it hurt? Well, we have
certain drugs which take care of that [inaudible]. Oh, that’s so dangerous. BILL: Yeah. Sometimes it’s a matter of
life and death for the patient. What do you mean
for the patient? I’m a doctor, as I’m
training to be a surgeon. I’ve got another year
left in medical school, then internship and residency. And if you want to
specialize, it’s more. I never knew this sort of
thing existed in New York. Yeah. It’s a pretty sunset, isn’t it? It reminds me of the ones
we had back home in Indiana. It’s so pretty. You know, sometimes when there
are clouds around the sunset, it reminds me of the way my ma
used to mash instant potatoes in her blender. What a lovely
way of putting it. You think so? WOMAN (VOICEOVER): Don’t worry. You can let him
have a little kiss. It won’t lead anywhere, because
you’re in control, girl. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Oh. Ooh. Mmm. Ahh. [inaudible]. I told you, all the
boys must wash hands before leaving the restroom. Hey Jerry. Are you paying for the
old bag’s lunch again? NARRATOR: Three plates of beans? No wonder she gets
around so fast. Put her her on my
personal account. And hey, don’t call Mrs.
Margolis an old bag. [farting noise] MAN (ON LOUDSPEAKER):
Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Stein, Dr. Howard. Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Stein, Dr. Howard. Who’d have thought? Malignant hemhorroids. You tried your best, Doctor. Hello there. How are you?
Oh. Oh.
I’m sorry. [inaudible]. Oh, God bless you. I– uh, does Jennifer
Martin work here? Well, yeah. Jennifer works here. Oh, good. You see, she tried to
pick me u– I mean, we met at the library
the other day, and I thought I’d like
to come in and see her. You know what I mean? Well, why don’t
you have a seat? She’ll be back in a few minutes.
-Oh, thank you. I will.
-Yeah. Oh. Excuse me. Is Jennifer here? MAN: Well, she’s not here
now, but she works here. You know, this reminds me
of the place I met my Janet. MAN: Janet? Janet! Don’t you ever mention
the name Janet! -[gagging]
-Excuse me. Is Jennifer Martin here? I was supposed to meet
her for a [inaudible]. Is Jennifer here? Excuse me. She [inaudible]. She made a pass at me. [inaudible commotion] Excuse me.
Excuse me, gentlemen. Excuse me. Hi. Uh, Jennifer left
these the other day. Would you tell her that
I washed them for her? There she is. There she [inaudible]. [commotion] Are these white
enough for you, Jenny? Oh, Bill, wait! MAN: [inaudible] Jennifer. [inaudible]. I can explain! Lindsay, you’re supposed to
have a conversation with him before you start taking
your clothes off. It’s not my fault. He just didn’t have
anything interesting to say. I think little miss hot
pants here wants to do your research for Mature Teen. By the way, how’s it going? Oh, pretty good–
except the guy I interviewed at the
laundromat brought my bra and panties back,
and Bill got the wrong idea. Now he won’t even talk to me. What about all of those
women patients in his work? Yeah, taking their clothes
off in front of him? Oh, Doctor, I’ve got
an ear infection. Ahem. Take your clothes off. Didn’t Bill say that he
had a big presentation tomorrow in obstetrics class? Something about the
menstrual cycle? I used to have a
menstrual cycle, but I traded it for a Honda. Rawr! Hey, Jen. I think Bill would just love for
you to attend his presentation. Yeah I think he’d be proud. Now, cramps are just one
of the physical indications of this part of the
menstrual cycle. Another is engorgement
from dilated blood vessels, as is evidenced here
on this Swinson twins. Now, during non-menstrual
periods of the cycle, both girls are fairly similar
in both size and weight. Bab Swinson, as you can
see, is not engorged. Her menstrual flow
ceased last week. However, her twin
sister Bunny has considerable
engorgement, particularly in the breast area. This is due to hormonal changes
which occur during this period of simulated pregnancy. Now, as you will recall,
during pregnancy, there is both breast
enlargement and nipple and areola pigmentation. I would ask you here
to please notice the enlargement of the
areola around the nipple. The breast itself is
considerably firmer than during non-menstrual
periods of the cycle. Bill Whitley. Jennifer? I wouldn’t have
believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. What are you doing here? After what you
said about my work. BILL: Your work? Bill? My apologies, Dr. Kleinbum. And excuse me,
ladies and gentlemen. Just take a second. This lady is deranged. [inaudible]. Caught you red-handed, Bill. This is obstetrics class. This is my life. How low can you get? You know, he gets mad at me
just because I like to talk to men on street corners. That has nothing to do with it! He wanted me to
give up my career. Your career? But it’s only one article
for a lousy gossip rag. You gonad face. Your hands were cold, anyway. Order. Oh, look.
I’ve got to run to the bank. Do you think can set up
for me while I’m gone? Who, me? Look, it’s either you or Moe. And if Andrea ever
shows up today, will you tell her
she’s late again? –[inaudible], where
are the table clothes? Where is Jerry going? Out, and he left me in charge. Well, I don’t know what
you’re going to do, boss, but that lady back there
wants to sign her check. Yeah, that’s Mrs. Margolis. Jerry always lets her sign. Hey, wait a minute. Let me take care of this. What are you going to do? I don’t know. I’m going to hate
myself in the morning. But at least for least
once, Jerry’s going to appreciate something I do. [farting noises] Excuse me, miss, but,
I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have
to ask you to leave. Because we have this new
policy– no more credit. And, um, really, you’ll have to
abide to those rules from now on. [farting noises] There were mass
demonstrations here today in front of Reems Cathedral, as
500 white-robed schoolchildren threatened to immolate
themselves unless they could have Kermit the Frog as hostage,
or unless Andrea Morgan could play the part of
Joan of Arc in George Bellman’s new production! [humming] Millie! [gasp] No. No. It’s you! Oh. No! What’s the matter, George? Of course it’s me! [laughter] [scream] [scream] [whistle] [moan] Where to, Bub? To 730 Th– ah. No! [inaudible] Joan [inaudible]. [inaudible] in an age
that understands me. Not just an actress,
but Joan of Arc! Come back [inaudible] not just
an actress, but Joan of Arc! Joan of Arc! Joan of Arc! Joan of Arc! Joan of Arc! No. No audition. No. No audition. No. No audition. No. No audition. You [inaudible]. [inaudible] No audition! No! No! [laugh] That’ll be $3.50. Oh. Oh. That’ll be $3.50. Good afternoon. Can I take your order now? Yes. We’ll start with the
Cherrystone clams. And, uh– it’s not really you. I know it’s not really you,
and if I close my eyes, you’ll disappear. George, have you
lost your mind? I’m having another
one of my visions. Well, I know the young
lady’s attractive, but there’s no
need to overdo it. -It is me.
-It’s you. It’s her. It’s her. Her. The girl who’s been hounding me. Joan of Arc.
-That’s Joan of Arc? Ah, uh, no. Of course it isn’t. She’s only pretending
to be Joan of Arc. Do you know she looks
to me as though she’s pretending to be a waitress? I really am your waitress. Nonsense. You’re an actress. She’s an actress. I’m an actress. That’s what I have
been trying to tell you. She is an actress, therefore
she cannot be a waitress. Be gone, child. Oh, for goodness sake, George. You’ve got it all backwards. If she is an actress, then
she must be a waitress. Have you forgotten that I was
a waitress when you met me? You were a waitress? And an actress. Now, Millie. And I could have
been a star, too, if Mr. Bigshot here hadn’t been
left over from the Middle Ages and made me quit. Mr. Bellman, shame on you. Now, wait a minute. Now, you wait a minute, George. Honey, have you
been trying to get my husband to give you a part
in one of his productions? All I want is an audition. I’m not asking for
any special favors. No. N-O. No audition. George, I am not
going to let you stand in the way of this
girl’s career the way you stood in the way of mine. But I’ve already promised
Joan of Arc to Laura Ball. Laura Ball? That old bag? Now, how do you expect
a woman older than I am to plan an 18-year-old girl? Please, Mr. Bellman,
just give me a chance. All right. All right? All right! All right. If you promise you’ll
leave me alone afterwards. But as far as I’m concerned,
Laura Ball is still Joan. MILLIE: Eww. Now, do you still want
that audition or not? Yes! Yes! Oh, just don’t let me see your
face until Friday in my office. And don’t bring your steno pad. And don’t bring your horse. And don’t bring your
friend the court jester. [inaudible]. I did it. I did it. Yay! [inaudible]. Jennifer, are you
sure you’re going to be able to lock up alone? -Oh, sure.
-All right. Thanks, kid. Appreciate it. Bye bye. Oh, Andrea. Congratulations
on your audition. Thanks. Thanks again. WOMAN (VOICEOVER):
When you’re looking for a perfect relationship,
don’t be afraid to try something a little different. Who knows? You may learn something,
and you may like it. Hey, sugar! [laugh]
How you doing? Sugar, you can hold
out longer than most. [laugh] I gotta hand it to you. Ah! Ah! Ah. [laugh] Oh. Oh. You know, you’ve
been here a week, and we still haven’t
gotten together. When are you going to
come up to my apartment? Ha. Whoa! You all right? A person could get
killed working at this. [inaudible] [laugh] What am I
gonna do with this? Well, what do you say, sugar? Do you want to come on
over to my apartment? Huh? Huh? You know, it’s like they
say on the [inaudible]. You’ve tried the rest,
now try the best. Hey, I want you to know that
I really appreciate this– just me and you, no roommates. It’s a miracle. –[laugh] Well, I admit
it took some doing. I had to get Barbara
theater tickets to make her go out tonight. Wouldn’t have that problem
if we had a place of our own, you know. Can it. Now, I promised you
a quiet evening, and that’s what
you’re going to get. Mmm, and I promised
you lots of champagne. And that’s just one of the
things you’re going to get. [laugh] [inaudible], sugar. I’m so glad you could stop by. [laugh] [inaudible] [laugh] Woo! [creepy laugh] Now, that’ll keep us
safe from any of them– uh, mmm, New York
prevert muggers. [laugh] Come on in here, sugar. Just make yourself at home. Ooh. Oh. Let me ask you something, sugar. Are you the kind of girl
that likes, uh, music? -Oh, sure.
-(YELLING) Hey! Hey! I knew you are. Knew it! [laugh] I’m going
to put some on right now. Ooh, wee! Oh, Jerry. [gagging] Barbara. Is that champagne? I thought I smelled
it from my room. What about the theater? Uh, I canceled. My stomach is upset
and my nose is runny. Sorry I can’t
offer you any food, but we weren’t expecting
any third parties. Do you mind if I ask
you a quick question? How can you smell champagne
from your room with a cold? Yeah. Ahh– [sneeze]. [doorbell] I’ll get it. [doorbell] Yeah. Howdy. Bob Cobb, here. Is Syd here?
-Uh, Syd? Wait a minute. Is that champagne I smell? Get out the way, son! [doorbell] Yeah. Evenin’. The name’s Hallsy, the plumber. I’m here about the marble sinks. Marble sinks? Well, [laugh] don’t float. MAN: This music sucks. I’m going to put
on some real music. Ho. Evening sir. Fred Zebo is the name,
and dirt is my game. And I have a little idea that
you’re not going to believe– a little machine here. It steams, it cleans, it dreams. If you’ll just
allow me to trash up your already filthy carpet–
pretty grisly sight, you might say. What the hell’s going
on, you might ask? Well, have no fear,
Fred Zebo here. I’m going to introduce you
to the little machine that cleans, and steams, it dreams. It can do more tricks than
a $5 whore on Friday night, and it has better
sucking action, too. It do.
It do. It did. It usually does. [doorbell] Yeah. You Wellhung? What? This apartment of
Mr. and Mrs. Wellhung? No. –[inaudible] schmuck gave
me the wrong address. I come in useful? Uh, yeah. Go ahead. Pizza. Hey, buddy! [inaudible] –[laugh] I find that rhythm
kind of, uh, sensuous, myself. [laugh] So, sugar, what do
you think of my spread, huh? [laugh] Oh, you
don’t have to answer. See, cause I know. See, I know. I know all the girls at work. [inaudible] told you
about my– ooh– my home. Ooh. Entertain me. [inaudible] ROBOT VOICE: You will
receive pleasure. MOE: Hey, sugar! Ooh, woo! (SINGING) Love on the
street, serving New York’s elite all night long. Oooh! [inaudible] Ooh. OK, filly. Let’s see how you do
on the quarter mile. No, Moe! No, no. Moan, when you say that. Operator, connect
me with [inaudible]. Hey, Mr. Don’t make joke on
me. [inaudible] champagne. [inaudible] champagne? Is this like sake? Sake to me! [knocking] [laughter] OK. OK, sugar. I get it. I get it. You’re the kind of girl
that likes [inaudible]. Hey! Are you crazy or something? That’s my favorite blouse. Hey, woo hoo! Here we go! [laugh] Whoa. Woo hoo! [laugh] Oh, Moe. Yeah? You know, you’re really good. Oh, I know. The girls told you, huh? [laugh] Can I– can I tell you
how I really like it? Oh, sure, sugar. When it comes to you
out-of-town babes, you’re all the same to Big Moe. [laugh] See, the reason I left Indiana? Yeah. Well, uh, it’s because
I like it kinky. Kinky? Did you say kinky? Kinky? Oh, wee! Kinky! Oh, she likes it kinky. Did you hear that, dude? That means she likes it kinky. Sugar, I’ll do whatever
way you want to. [laugh] I’m sorry. Look, I’ll make it up to you. Next time, I’ll
take you out to eat. Oh, that’s very
nice– very nice. Except I work in a
restaurant six days a week. I don’t want to go to
one on my night off. Well, what’s the alternative? The alternative is
getting a place of our own. Hey. This would be a nice
place for the phone. Listen. How come every time
I try to talk to you, I have to hear
about Joan of Arc? Did you say want
the [inaudible]? Because that just happens
to be the most important thing in my life right now. Well, if you feel that
stubbornly about it. [inaudible]. What did you say? We got parts. It even has a special
glass-cleaning attachment. Maybe I ought to get one
of them things for my wife. Your wife! You didn’t tell me that you
were married, you [inaudible]! Admit it. You were [inaudible]. You have the idea of [inaudible]
just as important as yours. You [inaudible]. Goddammit, that’s right. I hate your acting, and I
hate your goddamn women’s lib and [inaudible]. Because if you were
really so independent, you wouldn’t be so afraid of
getting more involved with me. [inaudible]. You– you– you
male chauvinist pig! Oh, so [inaudible]
male chauvinist pig. I’ll give you chauvinist pig. From now on, when you
come into my restaurant, you punch my o’clock and
you become my waitress. So that’s Mr. Male Chauvinist,
a bleh-bleh-bleh, pig to you! Well, Joan and I won’t be
coming into your restaurant anymore. Oh. [inaudible], how are you doing? [inaudible] tormenting you. Girls have got to
stick together. This, you lousy hippie. Well, if it’s on
the carpet, we’ll just clean it up with our
special cocaine attachment. –[laugh] For a filly
from Indiana, you sure know a lot about men, sugar. [inaudible] begin? [laugh] Just a second, Moe. I don’t want this to
be over too quickly. Ooh, wee. I really want to enjoy this. Yeah, so do I. Hey, sugar. What you putting
your clothes on for? Are you sure you’re
still turned on? Oh, listen to this. [breathing heavily] Ahh. I still have a [inaudible]. Come on, sugar. Let’s get going. I can’t wait. ooh, boy, I’m happy. [laugh] Hey, sugar. Hey, what you all doing? Ooh.
We’re going for a ride. Wait. Wait a minute, sugar. The bedroom’s the other way. This is to the hallway, sugar. Uh, hey, sugar, what
kind of kinky is this? Sugar, I’m losing my hard on. Sugar, oh, it’s a joke, right? [laugh] Nice joke. [inaudible]. Sugar, I’m not laughing anymore. Jennifer, wait a minute. Aren’t you forgetting something? Say, you actually called
me by my human name. You’re learning, sugar. But you’re right. There is something
I’m forgetting. Jennifer. Uh. Good evening, folks. [laugh] Uh, just checking
out hallway security here. You know– any strange
happenings lately or anything? [laugh] Miss [inaudible], reserve
me a table for eight at the restaurant for Friday. [inaudible], I’m bringing
some important stockholders. Make sure that my daughter
is on her best behavior. Yes, sir. [inaudible]. I haven’t seen Mrs.
Margolis around here lately. Oh, [inaudible].
I know. I gave her the boot. You what? –[inaudible] I told her not to
come back unless she had cash. Really? (YELLING) Are you crazy? I thought it would please you. I mean, you [inaudible].
[interposing voices] Oh, yeah. I’m delighted that
you gave the boot to the woman who
gave me my start in the restaurant business. That bag woman? That bag woman happened to have
been one of the greatest chefs in the City of New York,
until she developed a tragic allergy to Teflon. Oh, Jerry. I’m sorry. I really am. Just like you were sorry
about all the other crap you pulled here, and
getting Pievault drunk. Right. Look, I said, I was sorry. Now there’s no need to
talk to me that way . Hey, now wait a minute. As long as I run
this restaurant, I’ll talk to you anyway I want. As long as I run
this restaurant, as long as I run this family! You sound just like my father. Anybody with an IQ over 75
could run this restaurant. Oh yeah? Then why don’t you make
that an IQ of 25, and you’ve got the job. And what’s that
supposed to mean? It means, you little
shit, you inherited your daddy’s business a
little ahead of schedule, because I quit. It’s all yours, Ms. Cavendish. All yours– the whole
kit and caboodle. The paint’s peeling
in the kitchen. The stove leaks gas. And we’re down one waitress
since Joan of Marty has been riding out of here. Oh, yes. You might be
interested about a very special party we have coming
in– the Cavendish party. Good luck. Daddy? Oh, no. MALE (ON SPEAKER): The
chocolate fondue [inaudible] on [inaudible]. Borcht! Borcht! A goat cheese omelette
on rye on a [inaudible]. [inaudible] to the
Star Light Room. [inaudible] Hey! [inaudible],
get back to work! [inaudible] You really should
try the borscht here. It’s absolutely excellent. It’s better than the borscht
I had when I went to Russia. Oh, I’m so impressed. I told you to
serve those rolls. Want some rolls, sir? I’ll serve some rolls. Here’s my first serve. [inaudible], lousy service, What do you think you’re doing? I’m celebrating. [inaudible] [inaudible] I am [inaudible]. [inaudible], you’re blitzed. Liquor has not touched my lips. Oh no? Then you must have
developed a shortcut. I’ve got 70 customers out there. One more drink, [inaudible]. And then I begin to [inaudible]. Absolutely not. You’ve had plenty already. Lindsay, you’d
better give it to him. Even Jerry lets him
have a nip now and then. [inaudible]. Now, get over here
and get to work! Hey. [inaudible]
boss me in my kitchen? I run this [inaudible] kitchen. [inaudible], but I
am good [inaudible], and you are lousy [inaudible]. –[inaudible], I’ve got
customers out there, and I’m not going to keep them
waiting for this beet shit! Beet shit? Beet shit? I spit in your beet shit! [spits] Well, [inaudible] do it also! I spit again in your
beet shit! [spits] Hey! I want to get me some of
that spit in there, too. –[speaking spanish]
beet shit! [spits] No way. I’ve been working
here four years. I’m going to spit in this shit. Oh, what is happening here? Wait. No. [inaudible]. Wait. Everybody, please stop. Wait! [gunshot] [commotion] When a Russian spits in his
borscht, it is still borscht. When an American spits
in it, it is [inaudible]. I quit! Dasvidanya, douchebag. MAN: Come back, [inaudible]. I quit! You hear it? I quit! I don’t need this. I am big-time chef. I could work anywhere. I don’t need it. This is [inaudible]. You are table 11. Excuse me, table 11. But I have been hearing
you in the kitchen all day, breaking my Russian back. [inaudible] [inaudible] Here’s your borscht. It tastes like beet shit to me. It sure beats the
shit out of me, too. [inaudible]. It’s my [inaudible]. It’s my [inaudible]. It is [inaudible]. Get away from me. [inaudible]. Don’t worry. Moe can [inaudible]. We’ll find someone else later. Excuse me, miss. I had a reservation here
some 20 minutes ago. What’s going on here? I’m really sorry, sir. But we’re having a small
problem in the kitchen. I’ll seat you as soon as I can.
-Lindsay. Lindsay. There’s a gas leak
in the kitchen. Oh my god.
Did you call the gas man? He can’t be here for
another hour. [inaudible] do something with it now. I don’t know. Do something with
the [inaudible]. Ah! [inaudible]. Moe, [inaudible], damnit. I’m running 20 minutes
late on the [inaudible]. Lindsay, I’m doing
the best I can. Damnit, there’s something
wrong with that girl. [inaudible] in here. And you– you break
one more plate, and I’m going to cut
off those [inaudible] little fingers of yours. Well, I reckon [inaudible]
singing a different tune. Hey, get back to work. [inaudible]. We want food. We want food. We want food. We want food. The best damn Chicken
Kiev I’ve ever seen. The fuck? There’s something
moving in here. [inaudible] The damn shit’s alive!
Help! Help! It’s got me! [inaudible]. Sugar? [inaudible]. Everybody, clear out of
the kitchen. [inaudible]. Hurry up. Oh, no. Oh, shoot.
Please. Help. Help me, guys. Help me, [inaudible]. Run. Go get help. We want food. We want food. We want food. [inaudible]. This is [inaudible] not my job. Hey, Elsa. Would you cover that
new girl’s station? I just let her go.
-I can’t. I’m already covering
Barbara’s station. Where the hell is Barbara? She’s at the gynecologist. She had her fitting today. And Irene’s gone, of course. Well, my father’s coming
in tonight with a bunch of important clients. At least nothing
else can go wrong. [explosion] [glass shattering] [inaudible]. [speaking spanish] What are you saying? What are you trying to say? Ms. Cavendish. I’m going to sue
your [inaudible]. When I finish with you, I’m
going [inaudible] restaurant [inaudible]. Here’s your chicken Kiev. And here’s your
utensils and bread. [commotion] [inaudible]. What the hell are you doing? Lindsay told me
to serve the rolls. Ah, [inaudible]. Have a piece of chicken. Well, that about does it. If you read it for George
at the audition the way you just read it for
me, you’re a shoe-in. Believe me, after
35 years, I know what he needs in a Joan of Arc. Mrs. Bellman, how
can I thank you? Oh, it’s a pleasure. Besides, you remind me
of myself at your age. Now, Laura Ball reminds
me of myself at– my age. [inaudible] Thank you. Ms. Watson, let me
speak to my father. Hey. When he comes on,
tell him I say hi. Jerry! Uh, uh, Dad? I just want to say that,
uh, Jerry says hello. Uh, well, that’s
nice, sweetheart. Yes.
Goodbye. Who? I was a creep. I mean, how were you supposed
to know about Mrs. Margolis? Gosh.
I thought you’d never come back. Are you kidding me? This place is my career. It’s my baby. It’s everything. So let’s get to work, all right? Wait a second. Uh, there’s a couple of
small problems in there. Hey, nothing we
can’t handle, right? Oh, you redecorated. It looks– ahh! [gasping] Jerry? Jerry, are you OK? Look. I tried my best. Frankly, Lindsay,
I don’t give a damn. Let’s get this place cleaned up. Come on.
Hey. Hey.
What do you say? Hey. MAN: Raise the
chandelier a little. [inaudible]. We’ve got the place
ready to go, except I can’t find anyone to cook. Oh, plus we’re
still down a girl. Well, that’s one
problem you can scratch. Andrea! What about your audition? I waited in Bellman’s office
for an hour and a half, and that gorilla he calls
a receptionist told me it was going to be a no-show. Don’t you think you
ought to get on the phone and do something about it? There’s one down the street. While I was there, I
began to think that I was chasing a pipe dream. Waitresses just don’t become
Broadway stars overnight. But you’re not a waitress. You and Joan quit, remember? Yeah? Who’d you get to replace me? Come on. I can get 100 girls by tonight. 100 part-time space
cadets who won’t help you get out of this jam.
-Look. Don’t you start
worrying about my job. You worry about Joan of Arc. And to tell you
the truth, I’m more concerned about getting a chef. Wait a minute. I’ve got this great idea. I’ll be right back. Hey. Where do you think you’re going?
-Trust me. And if I’m not back here by
the time my father gets here, well, just tell him,
uh, it’s all my fault. Lindsay, wait. I need you! I need Lindsay? Oh, God. I am in trouble. Looks like you’re
stuck with me. Punch in! (SINGING) Everybody’s been
talking loud, and they’re all hanging out [inaudible]. Right this way Mr.
Cabbagemis– uh, Mr. Cavendish. This way, Fred– table 11. Bill? MAN: [inaudible], we’re going
to have a great time tonight. Fred, Ethel, when you taste the
food here, I know [inaudible]. [laugh] Mr. Cavendish, our chef
is giving your order his personal attention. Well, uh. Good things take time. So they do. (SINGING) Dancing
up a one-way street. –[inaudible] come down on
Russell Street, and knows how to make me feel so sweet. You and me gonna pick the
beat, and we’re all gonna dance up a one-way street. Lindsay, I’m going to kill you. Hello aluminum siding. Relax. She just called and
said she was on her way. Oh, is that all she said? Great. No, that’s not all she said. She said to trust her. Trust her? I’m going to kill her. (SINGING) Dancing
up a one-way street. Dancing up a on-way. I don’t understand. This is our flagship restaurant. This has never happened before,
and it won’t happen again. Young man, I had my secretary
call you this afternoon to make sure everything was all right. Well, I know you did, sir. Look. I’ve got something to tell you. Yes? See, I was relying– Relying on the old
adage where the customer will forgive anything as
long as the food is good? Well, if you’ll please
forgive two more minutes. Oh, Lindsay. Just– just two minutes, OK? [inaudible]. Two minutes. I’m going to kill you. I’m really going to
kill you this time. [farting noise] Mrs. Margolis? Oh, please don’t
be mad at me, Jerry. Or should I call you
Mr. [inaudible] now? Well, don’t you
dare call me that. And how could I be mad at you
when you’re saving my life? She made me do it. I didn’t think I
could do it anymore, but she gave me courage. Wait a mintue. What about your
allergy to Teflon? I got shot. Well, let’s not
stand around here sending each other valentines. We’ve got meals to prepare. For once, she’s right. Dr. Margolis–
cucumber Margolis. [farting noise] The whole thing is beautiful. [inaudible] Fantastic. Mmm. So, how is everything, sir? [inaudible]. Why, this duck is magnificent. You know, but I– I [inaudible]
had it before, a long time ago. Oh, well I doubt that. It’s called Duck Margolis. It’s a very– Duck Margolis? Not the Madame Margolis? Why, yes. Do you know her? Know her? Why, we went to cooking
school together. She helped me pass
my duck stuffing class at the Cordon Bleu. You went to cooking school? Well of course I did. I may be wearing a
three-piece suit now, but I wasn’t when I started. Just think. Madame Margolis
in my own kitchen. [inaudible] Oh, the Cordon Bleu. “How I found My Man
in New York City.” Jennifer’s article. MRS. BELLMAN: Why
couldn’t you wait? Mrs. Bellman. Why couldn’t you wait? Everybody in show businesses
is late for appointments. How could you do this to me? How could you spoil our career? Hey. Don’t look at me. I had nothing to do with it. –[inaudible], will
you please stop acting like it’s the end of the world? I’ll call your husband tomorrow
and reschedule the audition. You little fools. Don’t you know
that he is planning to sign a length of the play
contract with Laura Ball? It’s still not the
end of the world. Now, I may have
lost the man I love. Now, that’s serious. She’s behaving like
a real Joan of Arc. Look.
What about after dinner? Can you get your husband
to come here for a drink? Impossible. He’s so furious at
you, nothing could get him to set
foot in this place short of holding
a gun to his head. -OK.
-OK what? We hold a gun to his head. Now Jerry, I– Hush. Jennifer, [inaudible]. ANDREA: Now, Jerry– Hush. Now, look. Mrs. Bellman, if you
can get your husband to come by here after dinner,
just walk by with his party. Well, I suppose so,
but what’s the point? Jerry [inaudible] to
the rescue, part two. Look. You know the alley between
the two buildings, here? Yeah. Hey. Hey, man. Will you get out of here? Jeez. How can you go out of the house
with a run in your stocking, for crying out loud? Aww, shit. That’s what I get for buying
them at a supermarket. You don’t buy the good
kinds with those panel things in the supermarket,
if that’s the one. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. That stuff with
the cotton panels. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I bought
that stuff one time. It made my face break out.
-Oh, jeez. That’s [inaudible].
[interposing voices] Ah, [inaudible]!
Get outta here. This is my territory. Your territory? Listen, bub. I happen to be the manager
of this here– [laugh] Hey. You’re really a mugger,
aren’t you, huh? I mean, you’re a
real, real mugger? -Yeah.
-Wow. That’s really an ironic story,
because my girlfriend has been trying to get an audition from
this– this– this– this– producer for a long time. And right now, he’s
down the street with these wealthy
investor friends of his. Hey, hey, hey.
Really wealthy? Yeah, yeah.
But that’s not the point. See, anyway, they’re
going to be coming down here, and I [inaudible]. Ahh. Oh, Andrea. I’ll take care of
the investors for ya. [laugh] Now you’re
manager of the trash can. Yohoo, Jerry, I’m here. You are? Hurry up. They’ll be here any minute. Oh! Oh! Where’s the cash? Oh, that’s right. Jerry [inaudible]. I love it. I mean, it’ll look
more authentic. –[inaudible]
directing Laura Ball. Ahh! Ahh!
-All right. Everybody in here right
away, or the lady’s going to be picking
lead out of her head! All of you all, [inaudible]. Come on. Move. You too. Start taking out
the cash– jewelry, watches, but no personal checks. Halt! [inaudible] You have your own home, your
own land across the sea. Why does thou take what
does not belong to thee? I’m warning ya,
don’t come any closer. I don’t want to hurt no lady. [inaudible]. Chivalry is for my womanhood. I ask no quarter. Huh. Don’t flatter yourself, lady. I wouldn’t give
more than a dime. I’m not kidding. I will shoot. Andrea. Oh. [inaudible] fool. Does thou think that I
have come thus far to be frightened by a bit of steel? There is a fire
inside me [inaudible] burn to [inaudible], to be
free, to make my own decisions, to earn my success
without prejudice, and to pay for my [inaudible]
without complaint– to fight and [inaudible] to
risk all for love. All right. [inaudible] Well, how was I? Brilliant! Brilliant! [inaudible] [inaudible]. MAN: Hey. Hey. [inaudible] But it was just
another [inaudible]. But Mr. Bellman, I had to. Oh, come on, George, admit it. She was great. Well, I wouldn’t
say she was great. Alfred wants to put his
money on that girl as Joan. But she was damn good. Hey, remember me, Mr.
Crime in the Street? Jerry, stop waving that thing. Wasn’t she wonderful? What force, what
energy, what intensity. What did you think? Oh, well, I found
the performance initially claustrophobic. But the overall
aesthetic [inaudible] was very– what am
I talking about? Will you get up
against [inaudible]? Jerry, stop it. We did the audition [inaudible]. Come on. Don’t you think you’re
overdoing it a bit? I mean, I didn’t
feel your motivation. I didn’t believe you. But this young lady
was magnificent. Never mind, Mel. I’ve seen quite enough. The role is yours. Oh! [inaudible]. Come on, everyone. Let’s go get a drink. Alfred, Lydia? Hey. Here. You take these. Maybe you’ll have better
luck with them than I did. I’ll tell you what– I’m
going back to being an agent, where at least you get
respect for stealing. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What? Hey, come on. Don’t be sore, huh? Hey. Let me ask you a question, huh? What? You like stars, bright
lights, fireworks? Yeah. Yeah, [inaudible]. Yeah, they are. Because you’re
going to love this. “The man I finally fell in love
with turns out to be the old fashioned type, but
I believe he trusts me as a person and respects
me as a professional.” Mmm. “And that makes me as liberated
as any modern woman, whomever and wherever she may be.” Hmm. It’s a pretty terrific article. But, um, who’s going
to believe that ending? [inaudible]. Have you seen Andrea? She’s in the kitchen. MRS. MAGOLIS: Just a
little bit of licorice. I have had as much
fun since– well, since before my wife died. [laugh] [laugh] [inaudible]. [farting noise] Jerry. Congratulations, Andrea. So why aren’t you out
there celebrating with? Bellman Can’t. Until I punch out, I’m
still your waitress. I guess you finally got
everything you want, huh? No, not everything. I still don’t have you. Look. You coming over to
my place after work? No. Great. Our place. I love you. I love you, too. –[clears throat] And speaking
of places, you’ve done a hell of a with this one. So? I’ve been looking for
some space at the theater district for a new
restaurant, which I think I’ll call Jerry’s. [fart noise] Jerry! [inaudible]. Your own restaurant! [gagging]

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